With Pride month in Full Swing - I wanted to shed some thoughts on the process. There has been a lot said about it, and a lot has been discussed in the It Gets Better Campaign about embracing yourself but until the campaign doesn't need to exist we should still have the convos.
As I said, I am very lucky. When I came out in August 2002, a majority of my peers, family and friends embraced me. I did face some uphill challenges, dealt with homophobia head on, and did question everything I was doing. But overall - I had the support I needed. In the end, my coming out could be considered a success. My little brothers were to young to understand otherwise, my sister always assumed, my older brother became my biggest ally, and my father - the redneck of the family - became one of my best friends.
Let me put it this way - I was lucky! ....Not every story is as good as mine, for every positive there is 2 negatives. We are not at a position where life is great for newbies coming out. But hopefully soon, thus I wanted to offer my sage wisdom of coming out to those in the internet land. Just some pieces I picked up to help you transition from the closet to coming out.
1) No matter what you do there will be people who have stupid opinions on the matter of homosexuality/bisexuality. These include but are not limited to: It's a choice, you will never have kids, you will have AIDS, you are attracted to straight men/women, you will push the gay agenda on them and their families.
Let's face it - stupidity comes from lack of knowledge and understanding. You - my gay newbie - have followed homosexuality since you first felt that ping in your heart. You researched it, you googled it, you read about it (secretly). You know that if it was a choice - you wouldn't have chosen it (yet). You know that if you want kids there are options & that AIDS is a disease brought on by lack of knowledge. Sadly, those saying these statements for you - have not researched all that is gay. Are not aware of the basic logic "Why would I choose to be a minority?".
So when faced with the questioners and opinioners - let it slide. It's not your place to defend or argue or try to convince them that stones bleed. Leave that to us, the people who have been out and are now so comfortable in our defences we will stand up to them. We will fight that battle - You focus on you.
2) People may not be supportive ....at first....
Remember how long it took you to be comfortable in your sexuality? 18 years? 22 years? Whatever the time, remember you had the time to figure it out, to process it, to understand what is happening. So be respectful of that when you tell people. Some may go "whatever" others might go "Oh My Lanta". In the long run, they will come around. Just like you needed time to process so do they.
When I came out my father said he needed time. I gave him time, but knew because he said he loved me (PARENTS TAKE NOTE - ALL YOU NEED TO SAY IS "I LOVE YOU") I was able to step away and let him process. He has come to be one of the most supportive people in my life. He loves me for who I am, and can't wait to meet my partner and see me be happy. He doesn't care. It may take people a day, a week or a month....
And sometimes - it won't happen at all. Unfortunately, while Dad was supportive within the month, other people continued to ostracize me due to my sexuality. I lost a few friends and a relationship with a family member. Excuses were made for these people (old age, their culture, their upbringing) but sadly those are just excuses. Just as we make an excuse in our head to justify losing something or eating that cake we didn't need. It's just an excuse, not an answer. These people may never come along. They may never see that you are a BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT person inside and out. And if they don't then that's the burden of the situation FOR THEM.
Think of the benefits for you - no matter how much you love someone, you don't need to like them. If coming out means they no longer want to be associated with you then so be it. You are you, and they are they....doesn't mean you have to spend time worrying.
I had an individual in my life, who practically treated me like sh!t when I came out. They hardly talked to me, the love they used to give me was gone. I was so hurt. But recognized it was their burden to bare and not mine. Over time we drifted & I worked hard to preserve their image of pre-coming out. When they passed, they told my father how proud they were of me and how embarrassed they were that they let a little thing like this push them away. And I agree.
It's not your burden to bare...it's theirs.
3) Know your support
Now the less fun part of coming out. I would be doing a disservice to you and everyone if I didn't point out the negative POSSIBLE ramifications of coming out. I am lucky, I've said it before, and I will say it again - I have an amazingly supportive family, I am successful and I am happy. But that isn't always the case. Your family may not support you (they still love you), your friends may not understand, and you maybe in a position where you need to be concerned.
Before coming out, know your support. Know your backup and your backup backup. Start small with the outer circle and work in. But ensure you know that you can survive on your own if you need to. Support will come, in the most unlikely of places. But know that if you come out, you should be at a position where you can move out, move on, or move away. As I said before, people need time, and thus sometimes it's necessary to provide distance for that time. Cities like Toronto, Vancouver, New York and San Francisco, survive on a gay community, as they are full of individuals who needed to provide distance with time for their families. Know your support. Know your resources. You are not alone, there are people out there - just know that sometimes the people aren't in your current circle.
4) Start small - work in.
One of the biggest things I was beefed on by my friends when I came out was that I didn't tell my closest peeps first. I stuck to exterior circle friends, people I could afford to lose. DEAR FRIENDS & FAMILY - don't take offence by this! But that's the way I did it. I needed to build support, build trust, build the knowledge that it will be okay.
When someone comes out to you - think of it as an honour and privilege that they value you so much they want to have you in their lives, fully. Not partially, not minimally, fully. Embrace it and don't ask "why did it take you so long to tell me?"
Why did it take you so long to tell people your life events? Because we need to process just like any other human being. Know that if it took someone a long time tell you they are gay - it's probably because they were most afraid of losing you. Embrace, love, move on.
I could go on and on about coming out experiences, and life. But I won't today...Just know that you are beautiful and perfect in every way. You are who you are and that's all the matters.
Those who matter won't care and those that care don't matter.
Love, embrace, be who you are.
-Happy Coming out!
